The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior
One of the worst movies I have ever seen. Here are just a few reasons why…
1) For a prequel, this does not tie in to the first movie at all
2) The acting was horrendous - UFC fighter, Randy Couture was one of the better actors (what does that tell you)
3) Main hero has a female companion who happens to be a long time friend and ends up being his lover; now, who would have expected that?
4) The hero comes fresh out of training and is able to kill all of the King’s personal guards (who are supposed to be the best in his army) by himself in his very first battle
5) Despite being a 2008 movie this had some of the worst CG I have seen in a long time - the cloud of smoke in the beginning and the giant, invisible scorpion at the end were so amateurish it was funny
6) The story shoots from one point to the next with absolutely no rational string to tie the sequences together
7) The hero party successfully puts out a fire by jumping around it and throwing sand on it even though they were covered in oil themselves
Answers to how and why the villain became king in the first place was not provided; I would figure this to be pretty important information
9) The large, invisible scorpion can demolish an entire wall but can only knick the pillars, that the hero hides behind, a little bit at a time
10) One of the dramatic fight maneuvers employed by the hero is to prop himself between two pillars as a villain charges at him. Instead of stabbing the hero, who put himself in a ridiculously vulnerable spot for no reason, the villain stops dead in his tracks only to be kicked in the face. Fucking dumb scene!!
11) The great sword (which looked like a basic steel sword) that they were searching for was found unguarded inside of a cave, just spinning in the air
12) As powerful as the queen of the underworld was, in her own home by the way, she was unable to stop the hero party - I honestly can’t remember how they got away; I think they just simply ran away
…I’ll stop at twelve because I’ve wasted enough of my time on this piece of shit movie. Heed my warning: do not watch it!!
What Happens In Vegas Spoiler Review
What Happens In Vegas revolves around two people who are, in many ways, completely incompatible with one another. However, following a night of booze, booze, and more booze in viva Las Vegas, they end up getting married. The next morning, after they both have realized the big mistake that they made, one of them wins a major jackpot worth three million dollars.
While going to divorce court and trying to end the mistaken wedding, the judge sentences them to six months of trying to make the marriage work before he will allow the money to be evenly divided. And, this begins the joys of the movie. However, for a romantic comedy, this movie was neither funny nor romantic.
First of all, Ashton Kutcher plays his typical role as an immature idiot who lives life to the fullest and cares only for fun and pleasure. When I first saw him play this kind of character in “Dude, Where’s My Car” I thought he was actually kinda funny. But now that this seems to be the only character he is able to play well, it has gotten very, very annoying. Can you say ‘one dimensional’. Not only is he annoying, but I have come to the realization that Ashton Kutcher is a really bad actor. Except maybe for his performance in the “Butterfly Effect”. Coincidentally, he actually played a different type of character in that movie as well.
As far as the plot is concerned, this movie was as predictable as it gets. Not one thing in this movie surprised me nor striked me as anything new. It seems that the writer(s) of What Happens In Vegas decided to play it safe and completely followed some kind of typical Hollywood formula in terms of peaks and lows during the story. Needless to say, they fall in love and live happily ever after.
In conclusion, this movie has absolutely no imagination and was a complete waste of time. I think I laughed once and that was when Cameron Diaz’s ex-boyfriend got punched in the balls (during the ending credits). Primitive and immature, I know. But what does that tell you about the rest of the movie when I say that that was my favorite part.
Diary of the Dead Spoiler Review
Diary of the Dead is another installment of the “Dead” movie series by George Romero (Night of the Living Dead). Let me being this review with a short narrative excerpt from this movie…
Jason - “It used to be us against us. Now, it’s us against them.”
Debra (narration) - “He was right, us against them. Except that they…. were us.”
…what the fuck? Didn’t she just say what he said. But, backwards. It seems that Mr. Romero attempted to get ‘deep’ in this latest of his zombie flicks. But, wow did he ever fucking fail. This movie was absolutely brutal. There were a couple parts in this movie where you can tell that they were trying to get all philosophical and shit; I found myself scratching my head after every one of those parts.
And it wasn’t just the storyline that sucked ass in this movie. The acting was disgusting. I mean, this is not at all different from the other movies, but, this was exceptionally bad. The horrible acting made the sad attempts at humor funny; but not in the way that they may have wanted. It also made the attempts at character development uninteresting and unbelievable.
Do yourselves a favor and do not see this movie. Beating yourselves over the head with a pot for an hour and a half would be more entertaining. It will also give you less of a headache.
Cloverfield Spoiler Review
I love how they hyped this film up. The previews of Cloverfield kept everybody guessing what the hell the movie was about in the first place. Possible World War III? A meteor strike? Another Godzilla remake? Mysterious, indeed; I don’t think they even published the name of the movie until one of the later trailers.
In Cloverfield, the entire movie was basically through the lens of an amateur video. A video shot by a civilian who experienced the event first hand. Think the original Blair Witch Project. A lot of shakiness and out of focusness (is that even a word). A lot of running with the camera and video feed cutting in and out. Great for believability.
Another factor that helps the viewer believe what they’re actually watching is the fact that the cast is a bunch of unknowns. And don’t get me wrong, the acting was great. It’s just that this movie wouldn’t have been as effective if Mel Gibson and Angelina Jolie played a role.
The mystery of Cloverfield isn’t really answered in the movie. We know that some giant creature that “drops” smaller creatures attacks Manhattan. And, we know that the U.S. military was forced to bomb the shit out of the city in an attempt to kill it. But, that’s about all that we know. Questions such as, ‘Where did the creature come from‘, ‘Were they successful in killing it‘, and ‘Was this an isolated incident in Manhattan‘ are never answered.
Besides the slow and somewhat boring beginning, Cloverfield was packed with a lot of action and suspense. The writers tried to add some romantic back drop to the movie but I thought it was pretty pointless. I expected a lot more in an ending for this movie. But it was a very simple ending.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets Spoiler Review
I’ll start by saying how much I enjoyed the first installment of National Treasure. It’s plot and storyline were reminiscent of the novels by Dan Brown; author of “The Da Vinci Code” and “Angels and Demons”. It contained a lot of interesting theories with a lot of specifics to back it up; made it believable.
All the original actors returned for the sequel but unfortunately the cast and their witty ways were the only things that were comparable to the earlier movie. National Treasure: Book of Secrets didn’t pack the same punch as the first. They probably should have chosen a different title as well. “Book of Secrets” is deceiving as the movie had little to do with the book itself. Sure, the book was necessary in finding the treasure, but so was every other clue. The overall plotline was weak; the treasure hunt was completely irrelevant to the discovery that started the whole journey to begin with.
It started with the unveiling of a 140 year old piece of paper which contained the names of the co-conspirators of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. Among those names was the grandfather of Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage); this began the search to clear his family name. The way they went about it? They solved a cryptic message on the other side of the paper which ultimately led them to the lost city of gold. How did that clear his great grandfather’s name? Fuck if I know, but it did; the President said so.
The puzzles and riddles in this one weren’t as well thought out as in the first. The solutions were questionable in terms of how one would arrive at those answers with the speed that they displayed in National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Even for someone such as Ben Gates the riddles and puzzles throughout the movie would have taken some time to figure out.
A lot of the antics in this one were also very far-fetched. They very easily hacked the security system and ditched the guards at Buckingham Palace. They somehow got access to the Oval Office. They pulled off a ridiculous 15 minute car chase in the middle of London without any police attempting to intervene or catch them after the fact. And, oh yes, they kidnapped the President of the United States in an unbelievably effortless caper.
All in all, this movie was a major disappointment. At least it had its funny moments and well casted crew. Hopefully the third one will be better as this has the potential to be an entertaining movie series.
I Am Legend Spoiler Review
Big disappointment. This movie had a lot of hype working for it and anybody that read the 1950’s book of the same title knew the potential of this film. When I first saw the preview for this film, I thought, “Wow, this is gonna be good”. I was dead wrong.
The biggest disappointment comes in the form of the Night Seekers. They decided to use computer generated imagery to bring the creatures to life. Unfortunately all they did was make everything unrealistic. The CGI was horrible considering the technology that is readily available for such a big budget film. Honestly, I think I would have preferred it if they used real actors to portray the creatures. “30 Days of Night” proved the effectiveness of this as it makes it that much more believable.
The ending was horrendous. They tried to make everything piece together all of a sudden and it just didn’t work for me. I mean, his belief in God’s plan was suddenly revamped because he saw that the female survivor had a butterfly tattoo (his daughter was making butterflies with her hands before she died). And why did he have to sacrifice himself at the end? He had enough time to throw the grenade and jump into the hole with the others. That’s what grenades are for aren’t they? For throwing. Not for sacrificing your life when there were obvious alternatives.
Another part that got to me was the part where he fell into a trap and they (him and his dog) fought 3 mutant dogs. He was caught in a booby trap (created by the apparently intelligent night seekers) which knocked him unconscious until nearly sunset. There were a couple things that I had to question about this scene. First of all, if the mutant dogs were able to come out into the shade, why didn’t the rest of the night seekers come out as well? Also, why the hell would Dr. Neville decide to crawl only to jump up and limp at the very last moment? This is a man with military training and the smarts of a doctor and he decided to crawl? I just found that stupid and, like the majority of the movie, unrealistic.
Thumbs down for “I Am Legend”. Big thumbs down for killing off the dog.